The 10 Funniest Moments & Quests in Witcher 3

Set in a world ravaged by war with monsters lurking in every corner, The Witcher 3 has a fairly grim atmosphere and a serious tone. It’s easy to fall into a feeling of doom gloom. But there are still plenty of hilarious moments providing players with much-needed comic relief. Here’s a look at the top 10 funniest Witcher 3 moments, quests, scenes, quotes, and dialogues.

1. The Witcher 3 funniest quest: “No Place Like Home”

Perhaps the funniest and most wholesome quest in The Witcher 3 is “No Place Like Home.” It takes place at Kaer Morhen before attempting to lift Uma’s curse. Vesamir instructs our crew to wait before beginning the ritual, so the witchers decide to drink and reconnect. During the reunion, the player can choose to leave and go to sleep multiple times. 

Geralt and the crew find themselves in increasingly funny situations if they stay. First, the witchers decide to play the game of “never have I ever,” leading us to find out about the humorous encounters of our witchers. After a few rounds of drinking, Eskel fetches some more beverages and disappears. 

Using our witcher senses, we find Eskel by following the trails of alcohol. Finally, they conclude that the party is incomplete without some female guests and decide to call sorceresses, or as Eskel elegantly formulates it in one of the game’s funniest quotes: “Summon the bitches!” The quest culminates with witchers calling sorceresses dressed in Yenn’s clothes.

2. The Witcher 3 funniest dialogue: “Equine Phantoms” 

We can find almost equally funny dialogue in Blood and Wine’s secondary quest, “Equine Phantoms.” In this contract, Geralt needs to help a hermit haunted by the “demons.” She explains that he will only be able to see them if he drinks a brew made from extinct mushrooms that she managed to grow. After drinking it, Geralt experiences a side-effect of being able to talk to his horse.

What follows is Geralt dialogue with Roach that breaks the fourth wall. In the conversation, Roach explains the game mechanic of being summoned by whistle and appearing in a few seconds as her responsibility. When asked about the common bug of getting stuck in small objects, she answered, “Everyone’s got limits.”

3. Geralt Gets Possessed

During the quest Dead Man’s Party, Geralt finds himself renting his own body to the spirit of Vlodimir to give him the best time of his life. This unlikely union results in some of the game’s funniest scenes. While retaining his unexpressive demeanor, Geralt acts in a completely different manner.

Possessed by a hedonistic ghost, he constantly hits on Shani and tries to impress her in the craziest ways. He chases pigs, fishes for Shanie’s shoe, and dances in front of a stage. All of these moments are humorous as they contrast with Geralts usual behavior.

4. Geralt’s “Acting”

Geralt’s stiffness also results in a funny scene during the quest The Play’s the Thing. In this quest, Geralt participates in a play to lure Doppler Dudu out of hiding. Geralt’s inability to express emotions truly shines in an environment of a stage play. During the cutscene, the player has to choose the lines that Geralt will recite. While even if a player chooses the best lines, Geralt performance is still stiff and funny, selecting the wrong lines gives us pure comedy gold.

5. Geralt vs. the Bank

During the quest “Paperchase” our witcher faces horrors of a different kind — those of bureaucracy. The quest is an excellent satire of our everyday experience involving banks. In an attempt to withdraw his money, Geralt is constantly referred to another person, only to discover that he is missing some necessary papers.

Seeing our everyday experience of being told that we are missing a document and the endless attempts to get all of the necessary papers to accomplish a simple task mirrored in-game results in some of the funniest scenes.

6. Geralt and Lambert’s Banter 

Some of the funniest dialogue in The Witcher 3 comes from the conversations between Geralt and Lambert, his close friend and fellow witcher of the Wolf school. One of their conversations breaks the 4th wall by referencing the famous “Killing Monsters” cinematic trailer. Their teasing sometimes rises to a poetic height, resulting in one of the most popular quotes from Witcher 3: “Lambert, Lambert, what a prick.”

7. Letho and Roche Encounter

A more serious but entertaining dialogue can be found if the player has recruited both Roche and Letho to fight against the Wild Hunt at Kaer Morhen. Ves and Roche apparently still hold a grudge against Letho’s kingslaying from the previous game. When faced with their dissatisfaction with the presence of the kingslayer in the crew, Letho answers with a one-liner reminiscent of 90’s action movies: “Eredin’s a king, ain’t he?”

8. Haircut Accidents

Some of the Witcher 3’s funny moments are a result of Geralt’s interaction with barbers. The first one can be considered an accident. A drunk barber in Novigrad will give Geralt an unexpected haircut. When Geralt tells him that it is not a haircut that he wanted, the barber will answer with: “And this is not a faith I wanted.” 

The second “special” haircut is perhaps even worse, as it does not result from a mistake. As a reward for completing the sidequest “Of Sheers and a Witcher I Sing,” Geralt will get access to a special fashionable haircut. However, some of us might argue that our fashion taste differs from the Continent’s.

9. Nietzschean Students

Witcher fans interested in philosophy may find the quest Defender of the Faith hilarious. In this sidequest, Geralt must fix fallen religious statues in Velen, only to find some students behind the defilement. The students were influenced by a radical philosopher Master Friedrich of Oxenfurt. The professor is a reference to the famous German philosopher Friedrich Nietzsche, whose quotes students cite in the dialogue with Geralt.

For those unfortunate enough to meet edgy students influenced by Nietzsche, this quest is one of the funniest moments in the game.

10. The Death of Thumbelina 

Last but not least a bit of dark humor. During the Blood and Wine expansion quest “Beyond Hill and Dale…” Geralt finds himself in a fantasy land surrounded by well-known fairy tale characters. However, if the player is not careful, interaction with creatures from bedtime stories can end in hilarious tragedy. It is possible to accidentally step on Thumbelina resulting in a gory mess.

Honorable Mention: Witcher 3 Funny Bugs

This list wouldn’t be complete without mentioning the many funny Witcher 3 bugs and glitches. Our personal favorites are Roach randomly showing up on rooftops and Geralt’s head glitching through wooden posts. There are also the melting or missing faces, flying Roach, floating heads, and characters walking midair.

Of course, our list is subjective, so there are many other moments we didn’t include (or, even worse, missed). What’s your favorite hilarious Witcher 3 moment? Is there a good one we didn’t mention? Let us know in the comments!